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Question
At the Consecration of the new Church the Archbishop said that the Church is a hospital. We are all wounded in different ways. My question is how should we approach very difficult issues that have left very big impacts on our lives? When the wounds are very real and very deep this alone makes it hard to overcome. It is clear from scripture that we have a holy duty to forgive others sincerely; the problem is that the heart, being full of passions and wounded, finds this difficult to do. Is forgiving alone enough to heal wounds or is it a spiritual gift from God that enables us to forgive others and heal our wounds? – S.K. Forum Responses – Summary 1 - PC - Replace the hurt with truth. Truth would set us free from the hurt and allow us to forgive - Replace the hurt with thoughts of love for the person who inflicted the pain - Seeing ourselves as victims prevents us seeing the hurt we do to others 2 - SS - Followed grandmother’s advice: don’t worry; say to yourself: Jesus loves you. This has been very effective with pain going away in a matter of seconds - This has worked because the love of Jesus Christ, and not my personal love - Forgetting is much harder 3 - SK - Forgiving deep seated hurt is not simply an intellectual matter; some things are easier to forgive than others - Deep hurt requires a lot of prayer and a need to ask God to give us understanding and peace - Even then the process can be difficult because it only takes the memory of a very hurtful event to enter the mind and heart, and the pain can resurface 4 - KT - I try to visualise my enemy as a baby and hopefully love will take the place of animosity 5 – SK - Unfortunately my passions clash with my good thoughts at times and so in effect I’m fighting with myself sometimes 6 – EP - How much should we forget; to the extent that we allow the person to use or abuse us again? 7 – JK - I think ‘love’ needs to replace the hurt. In reality terms such as love and grace are catchphrases. But the real problem is implementation; how is this done? 8 – DK - There is a distinction between forgiving and forgetting; doing both is outside our normal capacity, and requires Christ to do the work – ie it needs the intervention of Grace. - Forgiving can be a long and arduous journey because it is a struggle with pride and an encounter with Christ, which our sinful self always resists. Answer Each of the Forum responses casts a different and, indeed, an interesting real-life slant on the question, encompassing both theory and practice. We will look at these in turn after dissecting the problem and examining the ingredients. As mentioned above, one of the issues is forgiveness. It is clear that as long as we have not forgiven the one who hurt us deeply, we are unable to forget; both go hand in hand and reinforce one another, both positively and negatively. Forgiveness, at least at the beginning of the process, is a rational process – it starts with the mind. But this is not where the hurt lies. The hurt, in its entirety, resides in the heart, so forgiving the one who hurt you, using the intellect alone, does not solve the problem. And strangely enough, it could in fact even exasperate the conflict between mind and heart, thereby leading to depression. How could this be? When the conflict is only between mind and heart, this is bad enough; but now it spreads three ways, because we also understand rationally that we must forgive (in obedience to Christ). The knowledge that Christ wants us to forgive, resides in the mind, and this knowledge clashes with memories of the hurtful event, but these memories also reside in the mind; so now there is also conflict between mind and mind. This situation was actually recognised by SK (see Forum response – 3), who posed the original question. Does this mean then that we do not try to forgive in order to retain some semblance of peace? What it means is that no amount of rational analysis and mental activity will solve the problem. The solution must occur within the heart, where the hurt lies. Conceptually we have two options: one is to physically remove the hurt, but in practice this is not achievable. The other is to replace the hurt, meaning that the thing that does the replacing must also live in, or enter, the heart; and this is achievable. What is this thing? We will give two answers – a short answer and a detailed answer. The short answer is love. Three Forum replies (PC, KT and JK) said as much, yet this convinced nobody. Why? It was not that the answers were wrong in themselves, rather they were inadequate and also the primary target (of love) was wrong. PC stated that the hurt should be replaced by love for the person who inflicted the pain. There are two difficulties here: the process of attempting to do this is a rational one, but you can’t simply say that I will now love someone, and it happens. The other problem is psychological; emotion can be an impenetrable barrier (this need not be a sinful reaction). It is worth doing a small detour here because this response has its parallel in our understanding of ‘entry into Heaven.’ The vast majority of Christians think that when the time comes for judgement , salvation will occur despite our sins because God is the ultimate forgiver; His love is too great to send ordinary people to hell. But that is not what happens. Indeed God’s love is so great that, not only does He not want to send ordinary people to hell, but if He had His way, He would not send even demons to hell. From this we see that it is not God’s choice; it is ours. So when the ordinary soul fronts up to God, it must have love for God in order to be with Him; and if that love did not exist back on Earth, it cannot be switched on suddenly using that rational process. A person hooked on passions cannot say: I will now love God, and love automatically materialises. Back to our original question: the hurt we experience in our heart can only be eradicated by love, not for the person who hurt us, but by love for God. This needs further elaboration. As mentioned, love is not an instant process; it is absolutely time-related. The romantic notion that people can meet and fall madly in love with each other from that first moment is fiction. Certainly there can be instant attraction for each other but attraction is not love, although the chemistry of attraction carries the seeds of love. Love itself takes time to develop and mature, whether the love is for another person or for God. In fact, unless a person has been raised to love God as a child, it takes a lot longer to learn to love God than it is to love a person, but the impact of God’s love is immeasurably greater. At this point one may pose the question: all this sounds good, even convincing, but why then do I, as a God-loving Orthodox Christian, suffer such heartache? The answer is that we (all of us) do not love God; or more precisely, our love for God is 99.75% rational, if not 100%, meaning that we know that we should love Him, and that, indeed, we do want to love Him, and quite likely we believe that we do love Him. All that is true, but, the problem is that our love for God resides in the mind (brain) and not in the heart. When two people fall in love, what happens? They can’t stop thinking about each other; they daydream; they want to be together; they spend a lot of time talking to each other (hopefully not by SMS); and the list goes on. All this happens because the heart is involved – it dominates and the rational mind follows. When it comes to God, does our heart ache for Him? Do we say our prayers because we crave to talk to Him, or do we say them because we are obliged to do this, or perhaps we want Him to give us something? How does our desire for prayer equate with our desire to be with the person we love? When a person experiences love for God in the heart, that person is content and very much at peace, feeling God’s loving embrace. Such a person can become practically immune to emotional distress in the context that we have been discussing. It is also important to understand is that one does not need to achieve sainthood to have such a living relationship with God. What about those who have not achieved such spiritual heights and have experienced deep hurt through failed personal relationships? This is where replacing hurt with love for God comes in. In Response 3, SK states that “deep hurt requires a lot of prayer and a need to ask God to give us understanding and peace.” Yes and No. All prayer is beneficial. But if we increase our level of prayer only in order to overcome the pain, the process will be long and drawn out, with potential disillusionment along the way. Why? Two reasons: one being that this very process, once again, primarily involves the mind; so while the mind is talking to God with a specific objective, the heart is left alone to continue the struggle. The mind will realise that the heart is still aching and will experience frustration, not comprehending why prayer is not solving anything. The second, and by far the most important, reason is that in this circumstance we are asking God the wrong thing. We are asking Him to solve an emotional problem instead of asking Him to help us learn to love Him. That must be the key objective in our life at all times, and not only when we feel hurt. If our Goal is to love God, everything else will be of secondary importance, and God will never turn a blind eye to such a request. Then, the love that we feel for God will reside in our heart and in so doing it will replace the hurt. To make sure that this is clearly understood, the number one objective is for us to love God, and not to heal a hurt. The healing occurs as a consequence of the heart experiencing God’s love. At this point one is probably tempted to feel that this level of relationship with God applies only to those who spend many hours in prayer each day, and attend all Church services. Not so. Love for God can be achieved by mere mortals (sinners) with a basic prayer rule (typically 15 minutes in the morning and evening). What we are talking about is quality prayer, not quantity. But quality prayer does not mean emotional prayer, or some artificially induced ‘spiritual’ state. There is no drama involved. To make progress the following conditions are required while praying, especially at home: - Being attentive and aware of the words - Being naturally at peace - Not rushing the prayer; pausing calmly between words or statements (to allow the comment to sink in) - Being aware at all times during the prayer that we are actually conversing with God (or the Mother of God or Saint); so it helps to look at the eyes of the icon - Recognising that we are in God’s presence and that He is actually looking at us and listening to what we are saying - Having the desire to be with God, and if this is lacking, then actually asking Him, just before beginning the prayer rule, to give you peace and love for prayer, in as many words – no lengthy dialogue required Having done this, we will feel at peace upon completion of our prayers. Peace is hugely important because only a peaceful heart is able to feel God’s response and His grace. Any emotions or states of anxiety, or being in a rush because of some other pressing need, acts as a barrier to Grace, and as a consequence the end result is little different to reciting poetry. This is also why prayers need to have some length. God does not require lots of begging to action requests; most of the time He provides us with our needs even without our asking for them, and in fact, without us even knowing that we have specific needs. So as far as the actual content of the prayer is concerned, a short prayer rule can be as effective as a long one. The value of say a 15 minute prayer rule compared to one that take one to two minutes, is that the soul actually experiences communion with God during prayer, and it is this experience, more so than the actual words of prayer, that develops love for God. This is the same as when two people in love spend time together. They can be together without saying a single word, yet love keeps growing simply because of their closeness to each other. This is what happens with God. Indeed, wordless prayer is an established Orthodox practice, one that produces dramatic results. Comments on Forum Responses 1 – PC Replace the hurt with love for the person who inflicted the pain. This can only be achieved after love for God exists in the heart. 2 – SS Following grandmother’s advice to remember that ‘Jesus loves you’ worked because there was already some personal love (in the heart) for Jesus. Jesus’ love for us is always there but it is not sufficient without our reciprocal response. Forgetting is much harder. When the heart is content, forgetting occurs naturally, because the mind is no longer worried. When the heart is content, the mind is content, and so both hurt and memory dissipate. In fact, it is at this stage that 'love for one's enemies' begins to materialise as a potential reality. 4 – KT Visualising the enemy as a baby can work, when the hurt is minor, because we have a tendency to relate to babies with our hearts. 6 – EP Forgetting in this case is not the issue. The abuse must be stopped. This is a different process. 8 – DK Forgiving can be impeded by pride. True. Pride is an obstacle to love. However, love for God helps dissolve pride. One further observation on forgiving and forgetting will complete the picture. At the purely human level, hurt can be negated when the victim meets and falls in love with another person. Here on a lesser scale, the hurt is replaced by love for the new partner - so the process of replacing hurt with love is similar. The effect however, cannot be as powerful or as permanent as it is when God is the object of love. Nevertheless, with true love God still participates in the relationship, even if it is behind the scenes. In this situation (where the love is for another person) a form of forgiveness can come into effect and the hurt can be forgotten, but the mechanism and rationale here would normally be different to that involving God. When love for God replaces the pain, forgiveness and forgetting the hurtful event occur because of Christian love for the person, which comes about as a result of love for God; in other words, we forgive and forget because we care for the one who hurt us. On the other hand, when the hurtful event is forgotten and (apparently) forgiven (because of love for another person), this occurs because we do not care for the one who hurt us; instead we want nothing to do with him or her, and are happy to let them go, to dissappear from our lives. So there are two entirely different mechanisms and motives involved, producing a similar psychological effect. From these discussions we see the power of simple home prayer. It can achieve what leading psychiatrists and psychologists cannot do, because they can only work on the rational mind and physical brain. They cannot heal hearts. ADDENDUM Follow-up Questions How can you separate emotion from a deep wound? Are these not inseparable until the wound is healed? In some cases the emotional wound itself can be a barrier to learning how to love God. I don't dispute what you say regarding the putting aside of our emotions and to concentrate on being with God but the problem is that most of us have not reached the state of theosis to be passionless and cope with our problems in a passionless manner. – SK REPLY Our prescription for heartache was not meant for those who have reached the state of theosis, nor is this a quick fix that works by putting aside our emotions. The target audience is plain ordinary people like us. When a person has a deep seated problem, he cannot simply say: I will now (as of today) replace the hurt with love for God. What we are really saying is that, hurt or no hurt, our life should be focussed on achieving love for God in a noticeable way. That is a life-long process, so effectively we are describing a way of life. However, we can make rapid progress (eg in a matter of weeks), beginning with our daily prayer rule. If this is done correctly with the right attitude (ie the intention being to be close to God), then we will feel God's response in our heart, particularly during prayer. And that feeling gives us hope and reassurance, as well as comfort and desire to get a bigger dose of that feeling. So in a relatively short time-frame, the heart strives for God, and loses interest in the pain. The problem and its solution need to be understood at the fundamental level. Scenario 1 I have a heartache and I ask God to fix this. That is my greatest desire. (For complex reasons, this is a long process). In this case, the interaction with God is not to increase my love for Him but for Him to fix my problem. So here the number one thing is my problem. Scenario 2 I have a heartache: I resign myself to that fact and assume that it will not go away. What are my options? I can think about my misfortune regularly, but this will not reduce the heartache. So now I will have a heartache and a headache. It is better to just have a heartache without the headache. The other option is to say to myself: irrespective what I do, the heartache will still be there, but there is more to life than my heartache. I must get on with life. What will I do? I could become a racing-car driver, and if I enjoy this new occupation, then to that extent I will get relief; why? - because enjoyment is a feeling, and feelings live in the heart, not in the brain. Consequently the excitement (of love for car racing) replaces the heartache, at least partially, or temporarily (till the euphoria subsides). Thus while the mind and heart are preoccupied with car-racing, the heartache goes away. The problem is that car-racing cannot consume our existence 24 hours a day. We come home and go to bed; the mind then starts to think about other things. What works its way to the top of the list? - memories of our misfortune of course. How can this be prevented? Not only feelings, but memories need to be replaced, and that can only occur when the new thoughts are motivated by desire, even fantasy, about a more powerful love. What is more powerful than love for objects or hobbies? - love for another person, if that path is available (which is not always the case). What is more powerful still? – love for God; and that is always available. OK I will now redirect my life to focus on God. I now have a new permanent goal, which is not related to the heartache, or to anything else; it’s a goal in its own right. But by pursuing this new goal, I find that I am experiencing happiness more and more. And that happiness slowly but surely begins to replace the pain. So in Scenario 2, the aim is not to fix the heartache. The aim is to love God, irrespective of the pain in my heart. And because I have now decided that I want to love God, I open up my heart to Him, and in so doing, I begin to feel His love. I then realise that this feeling is great and I want more of this. The question then arises: why did I not feel God’s love before; surely it’s not conditional – it just doesn’t make sense that God will trade in love, that He will only let me feel His love after I have given Him my love first. True – God does not trade. The problem is that unless we invite God into our heart, He cannot enter, no matter how much He wants to, because we do not let Him in. And the process of entry begins with our daily prayer rule. Till now we have deliberately focussed on basics with emphasis on our personal daily prayer rule as the starting point. God, in His wisdom and love, does everything possible to assist us on our journey through life, and especially in difficult times. As mentioned earlier, adhering to some fundamental practices we can make rapid process in establishing a noticeable interaction between our heart and God. This is necessary to get us up and running. Once the journey is underway, however, the path can become steeper fairly quickly; yet even so, it will always match our capabilities; it will never be mission impossible. It would be of benefit now to have a glimpse at step 2. The example we discussed previously was a heart wounded by a failed relationship. In terms of time, this would be relatively a short period, say measured in months or a year or two – in any event, sufficient to cause distress. This example is also something we can all relate to because it involves young love – a romantic notion that invariably touches everyone’s heart strings. What about the unsung heroes, the couples who have been married for a life-time – 40, 50 years, and who have gone through heaven and hell together? Mature love equates with life itself, and when one partner dies, it literally is like the soul being separated from itself. What is the coping mechanism here? This was discussed by two Melbourne priests recently. From pastoral experience, the grieving widow, or widower, finds comfort and consolation, not through kind words, counselling, and friendship (even though this too is hugely important), but by frequent confession and communion. With these sacraments the ultimate contact is made with God. And precisely through this very process, the two separated souls are also reunited in God, such that they feel, and understand, that their separation is only sensory and temporary. Thus unity in death continues through Christ, and love continues, not only unabated, but it actually continues to grow. This is real life. Pity those poor people who are oblivious to this mode of life, or worse, those who deliberately reject God’s offer - His gift of Himself to us. This gift is offered to everyone, old and young alike, and heals young hearts equally. |
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This Webpage has been created using the my connected community (mc2) Webpage generator. my connected community (mc2) is funded by the Victorian Government and coordinated by Vicnet
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